Eeeaaaaaarrlllllll
The large vodka swilling pickled hippopotamus who hated his first non-Tiger mom first wife so much that he wanted to go full horny on a foreigner so he signed up to kill Archduke Ferdinand so that Vietnam would invade Korea in Afghanistan to that he could sniff the crotches of a line of factory workers that he sensed one had unknowingly dropped an egg from her fallopian tubes that possessed the faint whiff of a great short game so that he could chase her out of the Foxconn factory in Singapore and into a speedboat where she took off across the Pacific and he followed her in a go-kart that was on a pontoon until she reached the mainland in Iowa then traveled from there to San Francisco and Earl had his hound dog nose up her rump the whole time until she locked herself into a cell in Alcatraz until she could make a paper mache head for her escape on a makeshift raft that he chased her after strapping himself to a great white shark until finally he cornered her in a shed in upstate Kentucky and she finally and enthusiastically consented to him laying his massive walrus body on her fragile carriage and introduced his DNA vomiting convulsive baby stick into her miraculous self-lubricating slime tunnel until 9 months later she had to squat next to a breakfast table in a Montana diner and BM out a 15-time PGA winning fetus onto the Spanish tile floor and she kept eating her eggs, pancake and half sausage link while the waitress dust panned up the placenta and added it to the daily special…he says “hi.”
June 20, 2022
The vodka swilling farting mammoth that got so procreatedly horny that he started a land war in Korea so he could sign up for Vietnam to fight the Japanese in China in the mid-80s against Hitler so he could spot an ovulating Thailand katilda who was sitting in a cafe absent-mindingly swiping right on an iPad when he narrowed his laser horny eyes on her and she noticed and took off running and so he hopped in a local go-kart and chased her on camelback through a crowded market place where she tried to hide from him in a laundry basket inside an exploding truck but he caught wind of her plan so she quickly built a hot air balloon in order to escape him so he hopped on an oversized condor and chased her in the skies firing missles and love notes at her until he had to turn sideways to get through the Himalayas and then through the Rockies as she tried to lose him but he caught up with her outside a farm house in San Marcos where he set up a makeshift roller rink so he could casually ask her to couples skate as they played Chicago’s “It’s Hard for Me to Say I’m Sorry” and then he asked her to put the ether rag over her own face playfully so she enthusiastically consented so that 9 months later she had to squat behind a breakfast place and let a future full-term 15-time major winning fetus fall into a pile of rags soaked in bacon grease and linseed oil.…he says “hi.”
July 19, 2021
The large corpulent Vodka-drinking drunk who 50 years ago got so blitzed he went into a horny rage and forced the Asians to start a war so the Koreas would station him in Thailand during Vietnam so he could COVID-sniff the crotch of ovulating women until he could smell the PGA mutations in one that were so strong he had to chase her around the world for 14 months through mountain passes and underwater civilizations so that one day he found her burrowed under a pile of leaves outside a barn in mainland Kansas and he hoisted the leaf pile with her still in it up to the hayloft where he set up a makeshift Italian restaurant that only served Irish food and Russian small-batch Tequila so that he could whirlwind romance her for a few minutes until he could lower her through the sunroof of a decrepit Pontiac with a salvaged title that he had placed below the barn so that he could recreate a lover’s lane B-movie romance scene until Earl’s bodily gyrations rocketed the Pontiac so hard that if slipped off the blocks right as his hippopotamus body reached its genital Christmas and it started tumbling down the hill as Earl screamed a vital…in and out as the car spun towards the canyon after 9 months and 14 Braxton Hicks hospitalizations that Thai woman had to squat down in the produce section of a Salt Lake City wet market and fire a 15-time, major-winning fetus into a banana crate while she continued to shop in a 30-foot ambilocal-cord radius…he says “hi.”
May 24, 2021
The non-living, barrel-chested vodka lover who five decades ago once got so horny that he started a war in Vietnam so that he could somehow be stationed in Thailand so that he could sniff out an ovulating Katilda and chase her all the way across Asia on horseback and then on a go-kart across Europe and then back to Asia paragliding after her and then through the water she tried to swim to the Pacific to get to safety in San Francisco where she heard there was a barn that took in women who Earl was chasing but caused her to get caught up on the island of Hawaii and he dated her real hard there in Hawaii and fast until his eyes rolled back in his head and his engorged baby plasma gun started firing rhythmically constant PGA into her meat cave incubator until 9 months later she had to squat down during a butter churning contest and fire a 15 major winning PGA fetus into a Mopar oil pan filled with burnt 5W-40 and old corn cobs…he says “hi.”
April 8, 2021
The boozy bloated bovine who once got so excited in his pants that he started a war in Korea just so he could sign up and go over Vietnam to find a Japanese woman from the Philippines who was in the middle of her cycle so much that he could hump the air while following her while as she fled across the peak of Mount Everest in a flirtatious escape for her life as he chased her all throughout South America and through Canada and Australia before he finally caught up with her in Iceland and dated her so hard over a pile of firewood that he bazooka’d his reproductive ectoplasm into her receptive mommy Hot Pocket so that 9 months later she would have to squat inside a rented gold-plated bathroom and fire a PGA-shaped fetus into the loving arms of a urinal cake….he says “hi.”
January 20, 2021
The prodigious corpulent drinker, who, when he wasn’t stuffing sausage and buttermilk pie down his gullet he was busy getting horny for un-Americans in the Korean War so much that he sought out an ovulating Katilda by sticking his nose in the air until he picked up her vulva scent trail and tracked her ovulation all the way across the continent of Japan and into Russia and then down to New Zealand where he caught her and consented her over a rock in a hay field where he introduced his beautiful tinkle stick into her endometriosis caldron where it began to vomit baby batter to the point that his tadpoles found purchase to create a pre-14-time major winning PGA fetus that grew so large in her gut stomach that she eventually had to squat over a garbage dump at 3 in the morning and push out a future serial wife cheater to say this sentence of local national radio (inhale)…he says “hi.”
August 10, 2020
The plus-sized deceased hippopotamus that was so addicted to partying and getting horny for the Asians that he signed up for World War Korea so he could sniff the cross breeze for an ovulating Japanese from Thailand, and as soon as he felt her mittelschmerz he took one last swig of his rye whiskey and he chased her over the top of Mt. Everest and cornered her into a barn in New Hampshire where he engaged in a whirlwind 5-minute courtship before he folded her over a bale of hay so he could fulfill God’s plan from behind as she squealed in another language and he triumphantly screamed “I love New Hampshire” as he introduced his reproduction rod spit all the way into slug trail maker then she escaped before the cops got there before he could sling her into a dark corner and she went into another barn and whelped until 9 months later she opened her getaway sticks and a PGA head started coming out and it looked like someone tongued a piece of bubblegum in preparation for blowing a big one…he says “hi.”
May 26, 2020
The large decomposing pre-COVID ebony hippopotamus who got so horny that he entered his business card into a fish bowl to win a chance to force breed the South Korean Japanese comfort girl in Vietnam during the second World War and she didn’t want it and hadn’t heard of the business card fish bowl contest so she ran from him and he had to chase her over Mount Everest and into the catacombs of Paris before he finally traced her down to a barn and undulated his walrus body on her until he injected his baby poison into her to make her have a 14-time major winning PGA championship…he says “hi.”
April 9, 2020
The ebony ball buster who before his heart got too sausaged up by low-grade meats and rot gut liquor that had to go live in the ground and he got hornied by Chinese so he signed up for the second World War II in Korea so he could fight the Japanese in Vietnam just so he could meet a low-rent Malaysian in ovulation so he could chase her estrogen snail trail across the Himalayans until he finally got her consent to pin her down at base camp and bore his yellow water pipe into her waiting meat cave to begin the process of making her body host a parasitic infant that would feed off her placenta brisket for 9 months until she would squat over an abandoned fire pit and part her tinkle fenders in order to shoot out a future wife cheater into the ground where he would one day learn to win 15 majors…he says “hi.”
February 19, 2020
The gloried former human before he was lowered into a pauper’s grave beneath local trees was getting triple horny in the late 60s so bad that he had to find an Asian land war to sign up for so he could slog through Japan and sniff out some MSG secreting vag that he could satisfy his murderous, vodka-fueled libido and ended up chasing a frightened Korean katel[?] Filipino across the Himalayas saying hi to Ed Hillary and Tenzing Norgay along the way before he finally cornered her inside a Nepalese opium den and threw her over the end of a consensual non-marriage bed and introduced his gonerrhea torpedo into her winking flesh parenthesis until he fired a dose of PGA-growing chlamydia and 9 months later she had to squat over some newspaper in a garage in Detroit and BM’ed out a serial wife-cheating baby fetus…he says “hi.”
October 29, 2019
The large underground orca that before he became not alive anymore got so horny one time in the early 60s late 70s that he signed up for World War II so he could go to Korea and chase down a Taiwanese girl from Japan-China by the way of Vietnam so he could sniff her backside and jump up on her back until she kept moving away and chased her all the way across India ’til he finally cornered her in a barn in Jupiter, Florida, and made her fall in love with him long enough so he could pin her down on a urine-soaked floor of the restroom so he could start a family with her and 9 months later she began to get solitary and wander off to an abandoned barn to make a nest out of [?] old pieces of string and laid down until bloody water blew out of her front side and floating in the middle of it was a wife-cheating, 14-time major winning who publicly bawled in front of everyone and win a late-life masters…he says “hi.”
June 17, 2019
The large ebony philanderer who before he was planted in an unmarked grave in Manhattan, Kanas, by a bitter widow once got so hornied up after eating a particularly good Chinese meal that he signed up to be drafted by the Korean War so he could travel to Vietnam to fight the Germans to get close to the Taiwanese-Malaysians from Japan where could sniff out the ovulation trail of a Mexican-Asian bride who tried to run from his air humping hips all the way across the Himalayas to get away from him but he was so full of pre-Me Too that he had to chase her for 6 months until he finally tackled her in a midwestern wheat field and made her fall in love with him long enough to force is Viagra-engorged tinkle stick into her dusty hair matted mucus cave so that 9 months later she had to climb up a transformer pole to a bald eagle’s nest and squat over a shredded copy of the Constitution and whelp out a BM bottom baby that would some day cheat on his Swedish supermodel and win 15 majors before doing this very interview…he says “hi.”
May 21, 2019